In a month and 13 days...

I'm going to be 18 years old.

I'm going to be a legal adult. i don't feel like an adult. I don't particularly want to be an adult. I don't feel like I'm ready to take on the responsibilities that I know comes with the territory of adulthood. I want always to be a girl and have fun. I don't want to grow up. I've never really grown out of that child-like fascination of every day things. I still want to splash in rain puddles. I want to climb trees and yell at the top of my lungs. I want to see how far and fast I can run, and how many shapes i can see in the clouds. I want to create. Nothing brings me more joy than to paint my passions onto canvas. Or create a world of poetry or sketches, that perfectly reflects my thoughts and feelings. I never wanted a job that would consume all of my time. I've always thought (and I might have said this before) that a job should be a cliff note next to your real life. That it's an inconvenient necessity; but nothing to complain about, because it's what provides the money you need to keep a stable life. Instead, people's lives are molded to fit their jobs. They can't do the things they want to do because they always have a job to go to. They spend all day making money, so they can buy a nice house, although it's empty and unused while you spend all day at work. Or to buy a car, so they can drive it to work and have it sit in a parking garage all day. Or maybe you just want to have a nice life full of riches. Some people call that being responsible. I call it robbery.You can't enjoy you're life because you're always at work. I DO NOT want to become one of those people. Who has the right to steal my life away in the name of work? If I had my way, people would still work, but it would not be the most important thing in their lives. I know my kind of world will never exist, and that's probably for the better because I realize that if the world didn't have workaholics, nothing would ever get done. But I'm not one of those people. I'm just not. I can't be. I'm too full of life. I love living too much to spend it just trying to make money. It may have something to do with the fact that money means nothing to me. Yeah, it's a nice thing to have. But it's not important for me to have. I live kinda in the "hood." I'm not in the best neighborhood. I don't have cable, or high speed internet, or an ipod. And I'm totally content with all of that.Life is so much more important to me than any job I could ever get. I realize that eventually I'm  going to need to get a good job just to stay on my feet. But right now, I'm happy with where I am.

I've decided what I want to do next year. I'm going to run away to Neverland, and forget all these damn responsibilities.

Stress levels have been over the top lately. Particularly the past two days. I no longer feel like my heart has been thrown into a blender, but rather left alone to starve. So many things have happened over the past few days, it feels impossible to soak it all up. I'm still waiting for the reality of it all to hit me. It feels almost like I'm walking though a dream, watching myself in all the chaos. But when it hits, its going to hit hard. And I fear I'll fall back into old habits again.

these past couple months zt camp have been good ones. not to say i havent had difficult times, i definately have. but ive been searching, and i think ive finally found myself. ive never really been confortable in my own skin, ive never really liked just being me. i guess thats why i was so quiet all of the time. i thought other people cast judgement on me as quickly as i did. but when i came out of my shell, i realized, i enjoyed myself alot more. and that i love being me. and i finally realized that im not a repulsive person at all. but this new me? its just the same as the old only alot more bold.  ive always said that i dont care what other people think of me, but it was never entirely true. i didnt mind as long as they thought good things about me, but when someone didnt like me it really bugged me. now, i do what i need to do and dress the way i want to dress, say what i want to say, and some people are going to respect me more for it, and some people are going to judge me because of it. but who cares? thats their own problem. noone has the right to cast judgement. and noone is liked by everyone. why should i be an exception? the point is, im just happy with myself. and thats one of the most important things an individual needs in there life.